The Lazy Person's Guide to Getting in Shape

Here are the top 10 ways to achieve a passable level of fitness without breaking a sweat (literally):

1. The Minimalist Diet: Eating stuff that doesn't require too much chewing is the name of the game. Think applesauce and yogurt. Avoid anything that requires a lot of utensils or cooking, like lobster or quiche. Effort level: Low.

2. Master the Art of Napping: Replace workouts with power naps. They're scientifically proven to rejuvenate your soul (or something like that). Aim for a nap Olympics gold medal, which means daily naps, but you can settle for silver or bronze if you're too tired. Effort level: Zzz.

3. Netflix & Chill (Literally): Binge-watching can be cardio if you do it vigorously enough. Change the channel by moving your thumb—it's basically a thumb workout. Effort level: Couch potato expert.

4. Walking to the Fridge: Make this your daily cardio. Repeatedly. Remember, it's all about consistency. Effort level: Beginner fridge wanderer.

5. Mix Up Your Drinks: Your beverage choices should be varied. From soda to juice to water (occasionally), let your fridge run the gamut of options. Hydration is key, or so they say. Effort level: Sipper extraordinaire.

6. Set Realistic Bedtime Goals: Sleep is critical. Aim for a solid 10-12 hours of shut-eye per day. You'll have so much energy you won't even want to exercise. Effort level: Sleeping beauty.

7. Couch Yoga: Perform yoga stretches while on the couch. It's like doing yoga without leaving your comfy spot. Effort level: Master of Zen lounging.

8. Socialize Sitting Down: Chat with friends online while you recline in your comfiest chair. Who needs to meet up in person when you can scroll, click, and chat from the comfort of home? Effort level: Social butterfly on standby.

9. Remote Control Lifting: Lift the TV remote... occasionally. This should help with muscle development, we think. Effort level: Casual remote lifter.

10. 'Tomorrow' is Your Motto: Never start today when you can always do it tomorrow. Procrastination might not be a fitness strategy, but it's a lifestyle choice. Effort level: Top-tier procrastinator.

And now, for some bonus laziness tips:

• Elevator Enthusiast: Elevators were invented for a reason, so use them religiously. Stairs are for fitness freaks.

• The 'Maybe Later' Snack: Instead of snacking immediately after a workout, procrastinate for an hour or two. Delayed gratification, right?

• The Couch Stretch: Occasionally attempt to touch your toes while lounging on the couch. It counts as a stretch, doesn't it?

So, there you have it, the Lazy Person's Guide to Getting in Shape – for those who want results without, you know, doing much. Remember, it's all about finding the path of least resistance (literally). Enjoy the journey, or rather, the non-journey!