The Unofficial Guide to Retiring Early

So, you've decided that adulting is overrated and you'd rather spend your golden years sipping coconut water on a beach in Bali.


Well, my fellow millennials, fear not! Retiring early might sound like a mythical unicorn, but with a sprinkle of avocado toast and a dash of crypto investments, it can be as real as your meticulously curated Instagram feed. Here's your simple guide to adulting... or rather, unadulting.

  1. #LifeGoals Before you embark on the journey to retirement bliss, ask yourself: What do you want to do when you grow up? Travel the world, start a cat meme blog, or just Netflix and chill for the rest of your life? The world is your oyster; just make sure it's sustainably sourced.

  2. Crunching the Numbers Time to channel your inner mathematician (or hire one on Fiverr). Calculate your future expenses – from avocado supplies to Wi-Fi for binge-watching. Remember, if you're not budgeting for at least one impulse purchase a month, you're doing it wrong.

  3. So, How Rich Should You Be? According to the ancient scrolls of the internet, follow the 4% rule: Take your dreamy annual expenses, multiply by 25, and voila – that's your magic number. It's like financial wizardry, but with fewer wands and more spreadsheets.

  4. Money, Money, Money – Must Be Funny… Now, let’s talk strategy. Develop a savings plan – or as we like to call it, the "Emergency Fund for Impromptu Coachella Trips." Contribute to a 401(k), invest in crypto (because why not gamble with your future?), or maybe just bury your money in the backyard and hope for the best.

  5. Bye-Bye Debt, Hello Freedom Debt is so last season. Make a plan to dump it ASAP. The less you owe, the more you can pretend you're a minimalist on a beach in Tulum. Debt-free is the new black.

  6. Level Up Your Income Game If your boss won't give you that raise, channel your entrepreneurial spirit. Start a side hustle – perhaps selling artisanal pickles or teaching your pet parrot to rap. The options are limitless, just like your potential income.

  7. Retirement, but Make It Part-Time Embrace the gig economy in your golden years. Maybe become a professional dog walker or a freelance emoji consultant. Part-time retirement – because who said you can't have your cake and eat it too?

  8. Squad Goals: Financial Advisor Edition If adulting still feels like deciphering hieroglyphics, hire a financial advisor. They're like the Yodas of the financial galaxy – wise, slightly mysterious, and they won't judge your obsession with vintage Pokémon cards.


Pro Tips for the Early Retiree:

  • Start Saving, Like, Yesterday: The earlier you start, the more time your money has to grow – just like that succulent on your windowsill.
  • Invest in Unicorn Stocks: Choose investments that sparkle and have the potential to turn your savings into a pot of gold. Unicorns are so 2012; now it's all about Llamacorns.
  • Live Like a Broke Rockstar: The less you spend, the more you have to save. It's basic math, or as we prefer to call it, adulting without the adulting.

In conclusion, my fellow millennials, retire early, embrace the chaos, and may your retirement be as legendary as that viral cat video you shared last week. Because who needs a corner office when you can have a hammock? #RetirementGoals